On Grief
Grief is rarely simple.
We often think of grief as something that follows a death - something linear, something expected. But grief has a way of showing up in all kinds of places, in all kinds of forms. It can be sharp or blurry. Loud or silent. Sudden or slow. And, it doesn’t always make sense. Grief is a complex emotion that can be comprised of many other emotions as well. It’s not unusual to feel love and anger. Numb and devastated. Relief and deep sorrow.
You can feel nothing at all—and then everything, all at once.
These multiple emotions might lead you to question your own experience and reactions with thoughts like:
"Why am I crying about this now?"
"Why haven’t I cried at all?"
"Shouldn’t I be over this by now?"
The important thing to know is that there is no “right” way to grieve, and each individual’s grief journey will look different.
Grief also doesn’t just come when we lose someone. It can also result from the loss of a relationship, a dream, an identity, a stage of life, or a version of ourselves we had to leave behind. You might be grieving the end of a friendship, a job that changed you, a move away from a city that felt like home, or the fact that your life looks different than you thought it would.
You might be grieving something no one else sees, and it still matters.
Disenfranchised Grief: When Loss Isn’t Recognized
Some grief doesn’t get acknowledged by the world around us. This is called disenfranchised grief - the kind of grief that isn’t socially recognized or validated.
You might be grieving:
The death of an ex-partner
A “situationship” that ended abruptly
A poor relationship with a parent or other family member who’s still alive
A miscarriage or fertility struggle
A pet that was your emotional anchor
A community or identity you had to leave behind
When grief isn’t named or supported by others, it can feel lonely. You may even doubt whether your feelings are “legitimate.” But they are. Your grief is real—even if others don’t understand it.
Grief Can Move With Us
Grief can surprise us, in that it doesn’t always hit us or feel “real” right away. It may take weeks, months, or even years for the weight of a loss to land. For some people, this might feel like shock or disbelief. For others, especially in the case of an expected loss, it might feel like slow waves of sorrow that unfold over time. Grief is like the waves in the ocean - it can change shape, it can shrink, then swell again. It can show up in joy; it can sit beside us quietly while we go about our day. Grief doesn’t always look like we think it will—but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real or valid.
The Myth of the “Stages”
You may have heard of the five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. These stages can be a helpful framework for understanding the emotional terrain of grief, but they were never meant to be a checklist, since grief is not linear.
Although you might think it would feel easier, it’s rare for folks to actually pass through one stage and move neatly to the next. Some stages might even be skipped entirely, or you might find yourself returning to the same one over and over again. Your flow through grief doesn’t mean you’re grieving wrong - it just means you’re human.
Loss-Oriented and Restoration-Oriented Stressors
After a loss, you might face loss-oriented stressors. These experiences include things like like missing the person, the thing, or the experience that’s gone. These are the moments where it hits you: they’re not here anymore.
At the same time, you’re also likely managing restoration-oriented stressors. These are the practical and emotional adjustments that follow a loss. This could mean learning to do things alone, navigating new roles, or figuring out what life looks like in this new chapter. You might feel overwhelmed by both. That’s normal, too.
You’re Not Alone
If you’re grieving something or someone, you don’t have to justify your process, wrap it in a neat narrative, or be “strong.” You’re allowed to just be.
And even in grief, there can be immense hope. Hope that the intensity will soften, that you’ll find support, and that, in time, you’ll carry what’s been lost with tenderness rather than an ache.
At Upstream Mental Health, we hold space for grief in all its forms. Whether you’re mourning a loved one, the version of yourself that no longer fits, or the life path you thought you were on—we’re here to walk with you.
You don’t have to grieve alone. Reach out to connect with a therapist who gets it.