“Who Am I Outside of What’s Expected of Me?” Navigating Identity, Expectations, & Social Justice
Even if it looks different than what you expected, even if it takes time, you’re allowed to build something that actually fits you.
There’s a point where a lot of people start asking a different kind of question.
Not just: “What should I do next?”
But: “Who am I, actually—outside of what’s been expected of me?”
This question can come at all different points in our life, and can be prompted by things like burnout, anxiety, depression, life transitions, relationship issues/challenges, and more.
Identity Isn’t Static, Even If It’s Treated That Way
A lot of us were given narratives early on about who we are supposed to be.
Many of these narratives came from family expectations, cultural values, educational and career systems, social norms around gender, success, and stability.
While some of those narratives may fit who we are, it’s natural for many of them to not fit. Over time, that tension between who you are and want to be, versus what you’re being told or shaped to be, can become harder to ignore.
However, when our awareness increases, so does our complexity. Especially for people engaging with social justice, identity work, or systems thinking, there’s often a shift where you may start to see things differently.
You might start to notice things like how power operates, how identity shapes experience, and how systems influence opportunity, stress, and belonging. This can be enlightening for understanding who you are in context, and it can also bring a lot of clarity. At the same time, this shift in perspective and understanding can be disorienting.
Common Experiences in This Space
When going through an identity shift or development phase, you might find yourself:
questioning paths you were once certain about
feeling misaligned with environments you’re in
navigating tension between personal values and external expectations
feeling both empowered and overwhelmed by what you’re noticing
There’s often grief here, too. Grief for what you didn’t see before, or for what now feels harder to ignore.
There can also be pressure—internal or external—to “get it right.” Many folks might start to feel like they have to know exactly who they are with labels, have a fully formed identity without much time in the in-between processing space, be fully “consistent” in their values, or show up perfectly in spaces. That pressure can make exploration feel high-stakes.
Identity Development Isn’t Linear
Despite what we might assume or be told, it’s not that one realization → one clear answer.
The process of identity development and questioning our positionality is ongoing. It often includes uncertainty, contradiction, and revisiting things you thought you had figured out. This doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong! In fact, there is no “right” way to explore one’s identity.
Holding Both Personal & Structural Realities
One of the complexities here is learning to hold both your individual choices and desires, as well as the systems that shape what feels possible or accessible. For example, you might be engaging with questions or situations like:
wanting a certain career while also questioning the system it exists within
navigating privilege in some areas and marginalization in others
trying to build a life that feels aligned, while still operating within constraints
This is not simple work.
What Actually Helps in This Process
1. Let Identity Be Iterative
You don’t have to define everything all at once. You’re allowed to change, refine, and evolve.
2. Stay Connected to Values (Not Just Labels)
Labels can be helpful, but values tend to be more grounding.
Ask:
What matters to me right now?
What feels aligned, even if it’s imperfect?
What is important to me in this moment, and how can I work toward honoring that?
3. Make Room for Ambivalence
You can feel:
grateful and critical
certain and uncertain
connected and disconnected
All at the same time.
4. Find Spaces Where Complexity Is Allowed
Not every space can hold nuance. That matters. It can feel more affirming and safe to find spaces where complexity and nuance are honored, rather than spaces that require all or nothing thinking and limiting perspectives.
Even if it looks different than what you expected, even if it takes time, you’re allowed to build something that actually fits you.
This Is the Kind of Work Therapy Can Support
Especially when it’s:
identity-affirming
socially aware
and grounded in both personal and systemic understanding
You don’t have to sort through all of this on your own. Get connected with a therapist at Upstream today who can help be a guide through this identity development or life transition phase. We serve college students, graduate students, professionals, and adults across Massachusetts who are grappling with similar issues from an anti-oppressive, context-aware perspective.